1)
Drinking when you're not thirsty is one of the few things that
separates man from beasts.
2) Just
think, if you drink enough now to get a hangover, you'll have plenty
of drinking time tomorrow on your day off!
3) It is
morally reprehensible to be on a train for longer than an hour
without drinking.
4)
People with hobbies aren’t drinking enough.
5) If
you don’t drink, then all of your stories are frightfully dull and
end with: "and then I got home."
6) If
you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like
you.
7) If
you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not
like you.
8) If
she buys you a drink, she likes you.
9) In
return however, you don’t have to remember her name, just remember
what she likes to drink…
10) Some
people will worry about their drinking, but look what it does for
their social skills!
11) For
every drink you have, you're fighting terrorism.
12)
Always finish your drinks! Think of all the sober people in the
world.
13)
Apologising is fine, even to people you don’t remember meeting, for
things you don’t remember doing, in places you don’t remember
going.
14) A
problem drinker is someone who doesn’t buy rounds.
15) That
nagging feeling of missing something when leaving the house is owed
to forgetting to put your bottle opener in your pocket.
16)
Drinking never affects anyone's job. Some people just need a drink to
get motivated for work in the first place.
17)
Never turn down a free drink.
18)
There’s nothing wrong with drinking alone.
19) If
your bed looks very much like a park bench and your bedroom looks
very much like a park then “staying out last night” literally
meant it.
20) The
glass isn’t half empty or half full. It just needs topping up.
21) Most
people will sadly never experience just how pleasurable work can be
when you take your best friend Mr Drink along with you.
22)
“Taking the edge off” usually means waking up in the garden.
23) If
you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a
lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking
English.
24) One
of the saddest sounds you'll ever hear is ice rattling round an empty
glass.
25) At
least turning up to court will allow you to find out what happened.
26) Gin
Rummy isn’t as fun as it sounds.
27)
Always stick around for one more drink. That's when it all happens.
28)
Always get up at the crack of ice.
29)
Don’t take hot showers, the ice in your glass melts too quickly.
30)
Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
31)
Anyone with three or more drinks in their hands has the right of way.
32)
There's a jar in the best pubs, a huge jar containing funny oval
shapes in a murky fluid. Be brave, pickled eggs are a rite of
manhood.
33)
You'll never waste a single penny on champagne, because champagne is
never a waste of money.
34)
Never EVER trust anyone who doesn’t drink, and never trust anyone
who drinks but never gets drunk, they’re the ones with something to
hide.
35) When
on a night out be careful who you talk to, I once woke up with a new
job.
36)
Invent a kids’ TV program drinking game – the extra time you
spend with them will go down a treat.
37)
Learning other languages is important, concentrate on useful phrases
such as: “Excuse me sir/madam which way to the nearest pub?” and
“Good morning… err… lovely, who are you again?”
38) Get
shag carpets fitted in your abode, it’s so much easier to hang on
to.
39) Drinks made at home should only come in two sizes: formidable and
catastrophic.
40) Sometimes too much just isn't enough.
